at least know I can count the things that I’ve done wrong, trace their roots, admit my faults, and work toward correcting them. Being in this town wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be; in fact, it’s helped me put a lot of old terrors to rest and really step up to the mirror and come to terms with my own mistakes. I know it’s going to be a really long road to undo all the damage I’ve done to my body and my psyche, but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m sick of living in the shadows of what once was, sick of living on childish and unrealistic dreams, and sick of getting stuck so far into bad habits that I feel there’s no way out. I’ve met so many amazing people who I’m not letting far enough into my life because I’m still sleeping in a castle of regret, letting my own insecurities pool around my hips, and biting my tongue constantly, second-guessing every word in a way I never have before. I’m going to be an adult and confront my issues, confront the people who’ve done me wrong, work out every day, get my sexy body back, and move the fuck on. I’m done with the inertia of regret and justifying settling in every area of my life.
It’s time for me to play another hand.
You don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with someone for them to make you happy, for them to hold real stock in your life or “matter” more than the others. Sex shouldn’t be the end goal of every relationship. This year, I spent a lot of time really getting to know the people I was interested, and while it may not have resulted in me getting in their pants, or doing so as early or as frequently as I would have liked to, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t regret it. I have a lot of people in my life now that make me unutterably happy, and I don’t want the “successes” or “failures” of our relationships to be based on whether or not we sleep together.
New season, new outlook.
